I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
