you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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