He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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