Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
