If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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