Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
