Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
