what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
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You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
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He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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