When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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