Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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