i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
