Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
