i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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