Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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