Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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