What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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