I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
