I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
