I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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