The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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