I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
