I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
