Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
