Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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