OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
