i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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