so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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