I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
