someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
