the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
