I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
