My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
