Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
