i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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