I haven't been this sober since birth.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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