you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
