why do cheetos always look like penises
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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