My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Drunk is not a location!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
