one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
