He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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