I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
