Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
