ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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