We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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