so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
