Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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