I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
