I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
