i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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