Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
