I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
