Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
